Riddle me this:

As far as I can tell, the following are the political units/states of Fantasyland. These are more notes for myself than a snarky post. I just wanted to put out my best guesses at this world’s power structures in dossier form.

Angryfaceland:

• Government form: Absolute Hereditary Monarchy
• Ruled by King Angryface until his apparent overthrow by Prince Charming and Snow White, Angryfaceland is a small, minor power with a precarious political situation and some structural budgetary issues. Since King Angryface is willing to adopt a son, it seems apparent that Angryfaceland has no settled rules for the succession of the crown in the event there is no heir to the throne.
• Angryfaceland’s military is in dire need of modernization. 
• Angryfaceland has at least one state church. How much influence this church has over temporal affairs has yet to be seen.
• King Angryface seems to have been a ruthlessly pragmatic ruler, intent on forging a powerful union between his kingdom and Midasland. Charming seems to have abandoned his father’s policies in favor of personal alliances with the rulers of Cinderella’s kingdom and Midasland. Further, he seems to be attempting to erode the power of the military by staffing the War Council with his allies. Either that or he’s completely clueless.
• The Dark Curse Crisis began almost immediately after Charming took the throne. Charming adopted a plan to attempt a counterstroke against the curse by shielding his wife and child from it
• Analysis: Charming’s regime has likely alienated Angryfaceland’s military due to the interference by civilians on the War Council and failure to assert the kingdom’s military or diplomatic strength against a fierce adversary. It’s remarkable the military has held off on a coup this long. Assuming the curse is lifted, a coup within the next few years is extremely likely. Further, Angryfaceland’s foreign enemies include Spacecastleland, most likely one of the more powerful states in the world.

Midasland:

• Government form: Absolute Hereditary Monarchy
• Ruled by King Midas until his death and/or overthrow by Princess Abigail. Midasland is a middling power, which Midas has capitalized on by utilizing his curse to hire mercenaries to accomplish his goals for him. However, his daughter has managed to acquire expansive political and military power, a development he may later come to regret.
• Midas’ military has yet to be seen onscreen, however, given Midas’ wealth, it seems likely that the military is fairly modern and well-developed. Though the military can’t be happy about Midas’ habit of hiring foreigners, the flow of funds into their budget most likely keeps them complacent.
• Midas seems to be most concerned about his succession (which he really needn’t be, considering how utterly politically competent his daughter is). Abigail has thus far failed to appear onscreen as a ruler in her own right.
• Analysis: If Midas died prior to the Dark Curse, Abigail is most likely secure for the future as a ruler. If, however, Midas is still on the throne, he is faced with an entirely possible overthrow if he fails to abdicate in a reasonable amount of time.

Spacecastleland:

• Government form: Absolute Hereditary Monarchy, with a sizable noblility (noticing a pattern here? Perhaps Fantasyland wasn’t such a nice place to live.)
• Ruled by King Leopold until his assassination by the Queen Regina and banishment of his daughter, Snow. Leopold appears to have been extremely secure politically, since he ignored a present of three free wishes. He seems to have not wanted to unleash hegemonic war upon his neighbors, however, allowing some measure of stability for the kingdoms around him. Queen Regina, however, appears to have attempted to play this into full hegemonic power and, for personal reasons, a vendetta against Snow White.
• Modern, centralized military, with standardized equipment and armor. Likely extremely logistically capable.
• Queen Regina appears to have consolidated power after seizing the throne, eliminating much of the nobility that Leopold cultivated. Regina’s actions are unpredictable increase the likelihood of small disputes erupting into systemic/hegemonic war without warning.

Northland/Anachronistic Australia:

• Government form: Absolute hereditary monarchy bolstered by an extremely powerful noble military establishment
• Engaged in a long-term battle for its very existence against the Ogres, Northland has a powerful military, but is unable to exercise its power due to the constant threat of conquest by the Ogres. Northland is ruled by the Duke. Though we don’t know who his liege is, he is apparently given wide leverage in prosecuting the war against the Ogres, since no one else wants to inherit his problems by subduing him. Northland only survived the last war by making a bargain with Rumpelstilskin, leading to the loss of the duchy’s heir.
• The military is strong, but thinly manned, even with a general draft in effect. An attack on a second front would likely be extremely devastating, however, since the duchy exists as a buffer state between the human territories and the hostile Ogres, such action would be ill advised.
• The duke retains power through an established domestic alliance with his military, which also acts as a domestic police force. The people tolerate this because of the siege mentality within Northland, This was at one point bolstered by control over the Dark One, but when Rumpelstilskin killed him and took his place, this asset disappeared.
• Analysis: The siege mentality of Northland lends itself to political stability while the duchy is at war. However, the duchy’s multiple foreign enemies make its position precarious.

Cinderella’s Kingdom:

• Does something, apparently.
• Also, apparently, every single character, nation, and political power can ignore them without consequence.

Rumpelstiltkin’s Castle:

• Ruled by: Rumpels and his collection of trinkets (included the hat from The Sorceror’s Apprentice, the chipped teacup, a Lumiere candelabra, and a Cogsworth clock).
• Not a place to come do charity work.
• It gets rather drafty.
• Don’t forget about his lab and collection of magic potions. He has to do ~magical chemistry~ somewhere.
• Analysis: Rumpelstiltskin does what he wants.

Maleficent’s Castle:

• Ruled by: Maleficent, the witch-dragon-woman
• No one else is there. Only Maleficent lives in this enormous castle on a cliff, likely because she killed all her servants in a fire-breathing rage.
• There is, of course, no entrance to the castle either.
• But seriously, where are all these castles built? You’d think the nobility would complain about new noble settlers.
• Analysis: This is a very lonely place to live.

The Faeries & Dwarfland:

• Government form: Ethnocratic Authoritarian Junta, ruled by the Blue Faerie/Mother Superior/next Big Bad?
• The Faeries use the dwarves to mine diamonds, the source of their magical power. The Faeries prey on people who need magical favors much like Rumpelstilskin. However, the Faeries are more devious. Rather than simply demanding something in exchange, the Faeries utilize their clients’ aspirations to carry out their goals.

(Yeah, that’s about as much sense as it ever makes)

Wonderland:

• Government form: Matriarchy/Murderocracy.
• Ruled by the Queen of Hearts and her wee cronies, often eaten by their living maze a la the maze from the Triwizard Tournament in the film instalment of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
• Inexplicably, the people of Wonderland think this is a good way to run things.
• Nice people, really, just don’t screw around with their gardens.

The biggest shocker of the finale.

A little family tree containing most of the main characters. All I can say is I hope no one has hemophilia.

There seems to be an awful lot of full moons in Fantasyland, and Red did an awful lot of turning into a werewolf.

I’m used to the bizarre ethics of this show, but the attack on the castle took it to lengths I scarcely thought possible. Firstly, as an opening attack, they turn a werewolf (who, it’s been well established, has no real control over herself) on the populace. Sorry peasants, hope you brought silver arrows! Also, good luck dealing with all the new werewolves in town!

Then, they scale the walls and kill the guards, which is okay by itself. They have an objective inside the castle, so they regrettably end up killing guards to get there. Even so, the way they seem to enjoy the fighting sends up all sorts of red flags for me.

Then, in a display of complete tactical incompetence, they run screaming into a market and start killing guards there. What happened to the stealthy part of this operation? Did Snow White get bored? Then, of course, fairies come out and start killing more guards en masse (with ammunition which they get through enslaving an entire species). We’re thankfully spared the rest of the carnage.

This scene in combination with the bizarre moral lessons of the previous episode makes the whole series really break down for me. It’s bad to kill the Evil Queen, who wants to kill you, but if you want to run through a city killing the inhabitants, go for it! True love conquers all, but don’t you dare leave the backbreaking labor in the mines to go get it.  Rumplestilskin has to murder someone every other step to keep any sort of evil edge on our supposed heroes, and the Evil Queen just comes across as more stupid than evil now.

So, the episode before the finale, we find out that the Mad Hatter’s hat can tunnel through time as well as across worlds. So, she could have grabbed the apple before she used it to poison Snow, or sent herself a note saying to just kill Charming instead of keeping him around for absolutely no reason. Of course, all this would cause a massive grandfather paradox, so it’s probably a good reason that no one in this story thinks of creative solutions to their problems.

Disclaimer: I only just finished episode 17. I know; I’m shamefully behind schedule, but if I say something spectacularly stupid, that’s why.

So let’s think about the main obstacle to the protagonists in OUAT. Obstacles have to appear insurmountable to create dramatic tension. We all know in the Lord of the Rings, for instance, that Tolkien didn’t write a story about how Sauron took over the planet and ruled until the end of time. However, he creates an obstacle to the heroes’ success that is intimidating enough that we’re willing to suspend disbelief and read the story. 

So, what’s the central conflict in OUAT? Regina/the Evil Queen wants to destroy Snow’s and Charming’s happiness by denying them true love. She does this by erasing everyone’s memory and sending them to Maine. 

This is a major problem for that obstacle. As of Heart of Darkness, there’s absolutely no reason David and Snow can’t remember their old lives and return to Fantasyland because they’ve done it before. Why should I be interested in the story of OUAT now? The authors practically dropped all the dramatic tension they had going. The only thing left (where I am) is the lame “frame kindergarten teacher for murder” plot, which I could barely muster enough GAFs to grumble about during the Mad Hatter episode.

TL/DR: Heart of Darkness carved the heart out of the dramatic tension and stuck it in Mary Margaret’s jewelry box.